Hit Coffee

How To Become A Smoker

2011-05-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

A response to Phi, though tangentially involving a subject that I've been considering a post on for a while (for non-smoking writers who want to write characters that smoke).

As with others, I would seriously recommend against going this route. It's not just lung cancer that you have to worry about. There's also the prospect of spending your golden years carrying around an oxygen tank. Smoking also exacerbates a number of other health problems (I got pneumonia when, with a less occupied immune system, I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't been heavily smoking at the time). With that out of the way...

I would go cheap, if you can. You can always go from cheap to more expensive, but I've found it hard to go the other way. In between the expensive name brands and cheap-arse no-names are some rather good mid-range products. USA Gold do not taste any different to me than Marlboros. Liggett and Maverick pack a punch. If you're looking for something less strong, Doral and Pall Mall are among the best (and most affordable) of the "weak brands." If you go below that, it'll seem like you're smoking air. On the other hand, if you prefer weakness, it might be better to go with Star Scientific or Gold One than Marlboro Ultra Lights due to the significantly lower price.

Though they have some stigma among white men because they are primarily smoked by women and blacks, menthols are preferred by some early smokers because of their sweet taste. They also mitigate the unpleasantness for people that smoke but don't like the taste of cigarettes very much. Cloves are another alternative, I think (I say "I think" because they might have been banned). I don't like them, but the smell tends to go over better with non-smokers, mitigating concerns about the odor. They're more expensive, though.

My preference is for cigarettes primarily because they're omnipresent (as oppose to pipes), you can use them in short stints, and they're inexpensive. On the other hand, cigars will make you less likely to develop a habit. For cigarettes, you hold the cigarette in between your index and middle fingers, not between your index and thumb. Contrary to what you see on TV, you do not leave the cigarette in your mouth while smoking. I don't know what good it does, but generally speaking I smoke without inhaling. You still get the high that way, but without as much throat irritation.

Also, get the box rather than the soft back if you can. The prices are the same and cigarettes in the soft packs are more likely to get damaged. Some people prefer short-packs and some long-packs (100's or, in the case of Camel, 99's). You get more bang for your buck from the long packs, which take longer to smoke but cost the same. Short packs are more conveniently sized, though, and typically have shorter filters.

You don't need to get one of those really nice, refillable lighters, but don't get one of those cheap, translucent ones, either unless it's one of those 10/$2 things and you're prone to misplace things. Ovular Bics are probably the best. Check your pockets before doing wash. Don't get the little bitty lighters as they're most inclined to get lost, don't last long, and make it more likely you will burn your fingers. All of this holds triply true if you're in a place with any wind.

There are several things about the smell. First, the biggest enemy is prolonged exposure (without washing). It's ideal to wash your hands and face after each time you smoke. If you wait for the end of the day, it's less likely you will "get the smell out" without a full-blown shower. The hands are the most important thing (especially if you don't have facial hair). The same goes for clothes. Obviously, it's impractical to change your clothes after every cigarette, but if you're not in the routine of changing clothes each and every day, you need to start. The same goes for showering. Except for outerwear or any sort of repeat-wear, you're fine washing it with regular clothing.

Regarding outerwear and repeat-wear (this includes jeans for some people), the best thing to do is to have specific outer-wear for smoking in. I have a "smoking jacket" and a "regular jacket." If you're not wearing outerwear, there's no problem because you're always changing clothes. But since you wear a jacket all the time, the smell can get so ingrained that it's harder to get out. It can always be done, but you want to limit the number of times you put anything with a zipper through the wash because the zipper gets warped in the dryer (and without a dryer, heavy stuff takes forever to dry out).

Also, you can buy some Febreez. Unlike some sprays, Febreez is more of a deodorizer rather than something that introduces a smell. If you try something that tries to cover a bad smell with a good smell, you end up carrying the bad smell. Anyone who has been trapped in the elevator with a heavy smoker wearing cologne can attest to this. Febreez keeps that to a minimum.

The good news is that, given time and treatment, you can get the smell out of just about anything. I smoked in my old car for years and it took less than a couple of months before the smell was entirely gone. The big exception seems to be watches. The smell sticks to watches (maybe anything leather) and cleaning solutions are not easy to come by. This is especially true in warm weather when you're not wearing a jacket. Made even moreso by me because I hold my cigarette in my opposite-hand, the wrist of which my watch lays.

I'm probably the last person to give advice on how not to get addicted, but my main advice in that regard is to compartmentalize it as best you can. Decide beforehand what times and places are appropriate. Don't do it while doing something else (driving, working, even listening to music). Both Mom and I had some success in limiting our smoking on this basis.

I have no good advice on breath and teeth. The good news is that it's pretty easy to get your teeth whitened these days. I think Altoids live and die based on smokers. The breath-smell comes and goes based on time and frequency. If you smoke irregularly, you need to worry a lot less than if you smoke a lot. A couple cigarettes in the morning will be gone by the evening with some gum or Altoids, but a pack a day can take a couple days to go away no matter what you do. If you don't presently use it, I would recommend using mouth-wash, the smell of which overwhelms just about anything. There are also certain foods that take over your breath (pepperoni, garlic), but the cure can be worse than the disease.

Direct all responses here.

Life, Etc.

2011-04-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

A Response to Phi's "Tired of Life" post:

Even apart from PC, the crimes on Life were typically pretty lame. I enjoyed the show mostly because of the premise and characters. A good portion of the crimes presented are along the lines of what you're talking about (minus the PC). Things that, if they happened in real life, the media would have a complete field day about if only for their utter weirdness or the notoriety of the victim. It was the only thing that I didn't really like about the show.

Do yourself a favor and never watch Detroit 1-8-7. It's obvious by the show that the city of Detroit has been ruined by professional-class whites, retired cops, crooked land developers, and right-wing Republicans so popular in the city. I'm not as sensitive to PC as you are, and it didn't stop me from watching the show, but it was enough that I won't lament the fact that there won't be a second season.

On the other hand, if you're interested in a show with a more demographically credible set of bad guys, The Shield more or less fits that bill. The Strike Team spends week-in-and-week-out going after gangs, which they don't pretend to be a bunch of middle class white guys. It also has some of the moral dimensions that you found lacking in Dexter. The only real PC thing that comes to mind is a subplot involving a repressed gay cop, but it's a subplot that comes and goes for a second-tier character.

Redirect all comments to Phi's blog.

Comment to Phi's Post on Manchildren vs Womenchildren

2011-04-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

Below is a comment that I cannot, for the life of me, post on Phi's blog. Direct all comments here.

I lived with my folks for about three weeks while I was engaged. I was actually kind of looking forward to it. I was working across town and saving up for the move to Deseret. Mom and Dad both wanted me to move back in after college until I got my feet on the ground, but I carefully avoiced that. But here was kind of a last chance before I moved far, far away. The plan was for me to move in for about four months. The fact that I left after three weeks gives you an idea of how well it went. My problem was not with my father, but rather my mother.

Notably, all of my significant exes lived with their parents through college and beyond. Two (Julie and Evangeline) moved out to cohabitate and the third I lost contact with. It was problematic in all three cases. With Eva there were specific problems with a step-mother who resented her presence. With Julie it was what I think is more typical. It's hard to establish the distinction between parent/child and landlord/tenant. Even if they're more liberal, you're still living under the rules of the house. Things like cleaning up after yourself and the like are done not because you have determined them to be valuable, but because your parents say-so. It ends up frustrating both sides. Things were so problematic with Julie that I was actually moderately supportive of when she moved in with the boyfriend, despite my belief that it's generally a bad idea. As long as it got her out of that house (and I *liked* her parents).

Regarding the double-standard, I consider it a branch off the same tree that has parents bankrolling their daughters moving to NYC looking for unlikely or doing unprofitable work while telling their sons to get a damn job. Girls have intrinsic value. Boys have to earn or prove theirs.

Party at My New Place

2005-04-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Almost everything has been moved over here.

Fuzzy Feelings

2005-04-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

They've put a sign over the Customer Support section that says "Good Intentions (does not equal sign) Profits!"

Not sales, but technical support!

I gotta tell you, that just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Good Boys & Girls

2005-04-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Barry has a heart-breaking post about his son's difficulties fitting in at school and the role that his strict (compared to other children, anyway) household plays in that. It is, unfortunately, a very familiar story. It's also likely to be the source of an inevitable conflict between Clancy and I should we have children down the line.

Clancy is one of three super-children. Clancy is a doctor, her middle sister is a lawyer (married to a doctor, no-less), and the youngest just got out of college with 4.0 GPA honors degree from the University of Carolina. Only the youngest doesn't have an upper-level degree and she's only 23 and I'm sure will get one someday. Her parents, a college professor and a CPA, expected no less.

I come from a slightly less ambitious family. My brothers and I are all middle-professionals just as Dad was. The oldest works with databases, the middle is an engineer like Dad, and I am a general IT person. We all graduated from college (middle bro has a master's). This was expected of us as well.

I am disinclined to criticize my parents because all things considered they did a phenomenal job. Our successes are theirs and our failures are our own. But if I am inclined to do anything differently than they did, it's to push them a little harder. I'm not sure if there's any reason my family couldn't have been as successful as Clancy's. Not successful in the monetary sense, but in the sense of living up to our full potential. At least two of us Truman boys haven't. Instead of living up to our full potential, my oldest brother and I have instead lived up to our parents expectations of us. Had those expectations been set higher, we would have achieved more. Had they lower expectations, we probably would have achieved less. Even successful middle brother got where he is by following in Dad's footsteps. No more, no less.

While there are exceptions to every rule, this is the case more often than not.

I won't speak for my brothers any further, but I will say that I was a problem child waiting to happen. I like to push all the wrong things. I have a scientist's curiosity to find out "what would happen if?" Add a peculiar personality and more difficulty learning than a lot of people my age, drugs, alcohol, and quitting school were all waiting for me, but by the grace of good parenting.

My parents wouldn't get me a Nintendo because my grades were bad. I couldn't watch Rated R movies. We didn't have cable except in the main room and even then not until I was in the fifth grade. Dad sat with me every night after dinner to walk me through the homework that was giving me great difficulty. Small disciplinary infractions were treated sternly and so they never became larger ones.

But I look back at how hard I didn't try in school and how well I did (better than "smart" people that tried a lot harder). Maybe I could have been a lawyer or a doctor instead of in the middle of a dead-end career that stopped interesting me long ago. Don't get me wrong, I like my life, but I would want better for my children. Isn't that what every parent (or in this case would-be parent) wants?

Which brings me back to Clancy's family and what it took to get them where they got.

The Hardwick family wasn't allowed to watch television to the extent that most families, including the Trumans, were. School was their job, as their father used to say. Clancy is an avid reader, but most likely couldn't tell the Star Trek from Space Ghost. Also, intense focus on academia necessarily diverts energy away from socializing and acculturating yourself with your social environment. There are some people who can do it all (including Clancy's youngest sister), but it requires a special gift that very few people have.

Clancy doesn't have it. Her childhood was miserable. To this day I want to go back and kick some junior high butt because those kids were so cruel.

Now Clancy is an odd duck like myself. Even if she had been availed of the newest games of the day and popular television shows, while she might not have her current animosity towards it, she would never have completely bought in to pop culture.

While I think there's a lot that Clancy would do differently than the way that she was raised, those are the values (work hard, play productively) she was raised with and she's taken to them. I definitely get the sense that she would want similar guidelines in any family that she's raising. It's certainly hard to argue with the results.

But I don't want any children we have to go through what she went through. While I don't want them to be cheerleader popular, I don't want them to be unpopular either. I don't want them to go through what Clancy went through, what I went through, and what Barry's son is going through.

And yet what choice do parents have? Do they let the kids buy in to the superficial, materialistic culture that is leaving a lot of kids emotionally unequipped for the "real world?" Do we let them slide on grades so that they can spend more time on frivolous activities just so that they can conform to the backwards priorities of youth?

Barry's right, what the other parents let their kids do has a direct bearing on those households that won't buy in to that. So do you give in? Do you fight it, letting your child take the brunt of the damage?

It's really a no-win situation.

I may not be as concerned about violent movies as Barry is, but the older I get the more socially conservative I seem to be becoming. I've seen what permissive parents, overly accomodating teachers, sexual promiscuity, drugs (including alcohol first and foremost), and sexual promiscuity have done to a lot of my friends. I consider myself lucky to have (mostly) moved beyond that. I admire the wall that Clancy has managed to built between herself and all of that. I'd want the same for my children.

But at what cost? And to whom?

You give in a little and it doesn't do much good. My classmates didn't care that I finally got to see Nightmare on Elm Street 13. They just noted that I'd missed the first twelve. They didn't care that I managed to get ahold of one killer trendy outfit, they just noted that the rest of the time I wore slacks and polo shirts. They didn't care that I finally started wearing jeans because their opinions had been formed by my stubborn insistence of wearing slacks until I was thirteen.

It doesn't even seem like compromise is possible. You have to buy in. And by that point, instead of being what your (older and theoretically wiser) parents tell you to be, you're what your young and stupid friends tell you to be.

But you do have to acclimate yourself to your surroundings. No matter how much sense it might make to wear an African robe in the desert heat, you wear pants because you're expected to. It keeps society going. No matter how smart a supergenious kid is, it does him no good if s/he isn't understood by those around him/her and doesn't understand the world around him/her.

And somewhere in the midst of all this is an answer that eludes me.

Hypothetical Application

2005-04-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

I just sent off my updated resume and cover letter. Reading over the job description was a bit discouraging. I probably wouldn't have applied if my boss Willard hadn't encouraged me. One of those easy things to talk myself out of.

I'm one of two people in Reports applying, though the choice between me and Edgar is a no-brainer. In fact, his applying might be good cause it'll help Willard draw a distinction between his endorsement of me and his not-so-much endorsement of him.

Willard seems a lot more confident than I am about all this. He's already preparing for the vacancy. Though for reasons I'm not sure, neither of us have actually discussed it since this whole thing started.

Conversations have gone like this:

"If I were to apply for a job in Systems Analysis, who would I write the cover letter to? Hypothetically speaking, of course."

"Theoretically, I would say John Hansen. He's the CIO and while you'd be working for Hilton Wilde, it never hurts to aim high. Hypothetically."

"Well I'm going to theoretically send the email right now."

"I'm sure everything will work out. Figuratively, speaking."

Definitely going to miss those kinds of conversations if I were to get transfered out.

In any case, it would be interesting to see how much a Willard endorsement is worth!

Technical Difficulties

2005-04-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

As incredible as this sounds, my Blogspot account was hacked. The template was replaced by some ads for cheap auto insurance. I'm trying to get the old template back up, but my internet connection is spotty right now, so it's going to look weird for a bit.

Avoiding God's Soldiers

2005-04-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

The missionaries stopped by again tonight. Each time it seems to be a different set. I think I might have been too rude to the last set. They never should have changed sets to begin with. I had a cordial relationship with the first ones and a sorta understanding (to the extent that a missionary can graph the concept of someone being somewhat interested in learning about the religion but very much not interested in converting). But since those two were pulled in favor of the others I've been a little more rude.

But even so, I can't be too rude even when I need to be. I am also sympathetic to the fact that being a missionary isn't easy (though it's gotta be easier in Deseret than Somalia).

Right now I just need to buy a little bit of time. They often don't take "I'm busy right now" for an answer (last time I was clearly on the phone). But how can they not take "It's April 15th and I haven't finished my taxes!" for an answer?

Quite possibly the best excuse to weasel out of anything that I've ever come up with in my entire life. Ever. In my whole life.

I Met Lex Luthor

2005-04-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

Becky tells an interesting I-met-a-celebrity story. The only celebrity I've ever met (outside of a convention of place you're supposed to meet celebrities) was Sherman Howard, the actor for Lex Luthor in the old Superboy TV series (at least I think it was Howard, it might have been the other Lex Luthor from the first season).

Our conversation consisted of him saying "Excuse me" and me saying "sorry" and getting out of the way of the door to the beachside condominium we were each staying at.

But my middle brother's ex-girlfriend's mother has a much more interesting story, which I will recount to the best of my abilities. I have no verification that this is true, but she not an inveterate storyteller like my mother and I are, so it holds a bit more credibility. And, whether true or not, it's amusing, which is what counts.

Mrs. Douglas was in a casino/hotel elevator in Las Vegas when it stopped and three black men - two very large ones - entered. One of the men said "Hit the floor."

She dropped to the floor. One of the men clarified "The ground floor, ma'am" as he pressed the Level 1 button on the elevator.

She was understandably mortified.

For the rest of the trip, the hotel restaurant and bar declined her money. Everything, they told her, was paid for. When she was checking out, she was informed by the hotel that her room had been paid for. She asked "by whom." The attendant said that she didn't know, but gave her an envelope.

It read: "Thanks for the biggest laugh we've had all month. Best, Eddie Murphy and his two bodyguards."

Homestretch Slow-Motion

2005-04-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

I wish I could hypnotize myself into thinking today was Thursday. Knowing that I have another day would help me keep my nose to the grindstone rather than counting down the minutes until weekend freedom.

Then the spell would wear off at about 5:05 and I'd realize that I am done for the weekend.

Seeking Teddy's Promotion

2005-04-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

A few posts are going to tie together here.

Not long ago (it couldn't have been long ago, this blog isn't a couple of months old) I mentioned that I was being considered for a promotion to QA. The perks were a bigger workspace and a raise. The downside was that I was going to work under a guy I didn't want to work under and a slightly less pleasant job.

As it turns out, every single factor in the equation was false. The raise was nixed, the department was moved under the control of my current supervisor, and QA now has the same 4x4' cubes that we do.

I expressed a lack of enthusiasm and the promotion opportunity was withdrawn.

A week or so ago I took some Meeting Notes about some attendance troubles in the RLD departments and in particular with a QA employee named Teddy Forbes.

Now I've got a lot to say about Teddy, but I'm not ready to at this juncture. But the important thing about Teddy is that he has been dissatisfied with his position for some time and has wanted out of QA and in to System Testing.

When they were moved back into the smaller cubicles, he issued an ultimatum: either you get me out of QA or I quit.

To which the company responded: "We have no other positions available to you at this time. Do you intend to excercise the latter option?" Our boss Willard actually talks like this.

So Teddy is gone.

Lesson: Never issue an ultimatum to this company. According to Willard, there have been some very essential people that have gone off the tracks to senior management by being impatient and issuing ultimatums.

So two days after Teddy leaves because they will not transfer him to Software Testing because "there are no openings for [him] at this time" they send a company-wide email job posting for two positions in... Software Testing!

I noticed that there were no requirements for the job that I did not meet. Willard then pulled me into the small conference ~~closet~~ room. He strongly suggested that I apply for the Software Testing spot and said that I could put him down as a reference.

This would be the second time in a month or so that he's tried to help me get a promotion. That means I'm either really good because he things I'm bound for better things, or I'm so bad that he wants to kick me upstairs.

There is some bad blood between Teddy and myself. He has, in the past, been quite condescending to our department. I'm frankly glad he's gone.

If I do apply and get for and get the spot that he has spent months pining for, that would absolutely, positively be icing on the cake.

Resume Question

2005-04-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

When applying for a job within the company that you work for, do you:
(a) Put your current position with the company on the resume, thereby revealing that you have an updated resume and are looking to Get The Hell Out of your current job.
(b) Leave your current job off the resume, looking like your resume ended over a year ago.

Let's say for the sake of argument,
(1) You have an updated resume.
(2) You really are looking to Get The Hell Out of your current job, and
(3) You'd just as soon your employer not know about #2.

The Temple's Timetable

2005-04-13T15:59:00.000-07:00

Clem, a coworker in our sister department, is apparently getting married. It seems like it was just yesterday that he had a moderate crush on Mouse and was lamenting how difficult it was to meet girls around here.

It wasn't yesterday, but it was less than six weeks ago.

For the record, Clem is 21 years old.

One of my coworker Marcel's friends also announced his engagement, three weeks after Marcel introduced to two of them.

The Cranstons, the family we live with, have four daughters. I've mentioned Becki, the youngest and only unmarried and childless Cranston. The oldest, about my age (29), is married with four children. The other two have three or four kids between them (or will, hopefully, once her/their pregnancy/pregnancies lapse).

Many moons ago I very much loved a girl named Julie. She and I dated for almost five years when I started considering popping the question. The reaction among those I told was uniform: You're too young, don't do it!

I was 23.

Of all the differences between the southern metropolis of Colosse and Mocum here in the Deseret 'burbs, the most apparent to me (in part because I work with young people, mostly) is the timetable. In Colosse, as with most big cities outside of Deseret, you're expected to date through most of your twenties, start thinking about marriage at 25 at the earliest, try to be married by thirty, then have kids a few years after that.

Not that I believe in the big city model. It underestimates a woman's decline in fertility after thirty and (subjectively) it causes problems down the line when the parents can't see their grandkids graduate from high school.

I discussed the issue with Clancy last night and we both reminisced about how little we knew of ourselves at 21 and how much we had to learn about life in general. On the other hand, a good argument could be made that if you fully form by yourself, sacrificing the "me" for the "we" becomes much harder.

Nationally, the average first-time groom is 27 and first-time bride is 24. Most urban centers like Colosse pull that number up while rural areas pull that number back down. Deseret is somewhat unique in that even in Gazelem, our urban capitol city, that number is probably being pulled down.

In a state-by-state comparison of divorces per capita ("Divorce Rate"), for all it's religiosity Deseret is actually midling (#27). The reason that it's not higher is probably because of the church that so emphasizes family and marriage. Or perhaps I should say encourages young marriage and strongly, strongly discourages premarital sex. From what I understand, they actually "check" to see if you're a virgin before allowing you to marry in a temple. Though that could be urban legend, a couple LDS coworkers recently discussed a particular GYN whose job it was to check. So I don't know.

But in any case, the cultural pressure to get married young coupled with a biological pressure to have sex doubling back to a cultural pressure not to have sex (in any manifestation, including masterbation I think) before marriage undoubtedly leads to more than a couple of ill-advised marriages. It certainly leads to a lot more marriages, young or old, wise or dumb.

Viewed in that context, Deseret's midling divorce rate actually becomes somewhat impressive. Southern states (including my own) that have large rural tracts where people marry young and get married more don't do nearly as well as Deseret does.

In fact, if one were able to come up with a marriage/divorce ratio ("Marriage Success Rate"), I'd imagine that Deseret would do pretty well. The south would probably do a lot better as well. Most of the states with the lowest Divorce Rates (most located in the northeast) would probably not have as good looking Marriage Success Rate.

So the question is whether or not it's acceptable to have more failed marriages for even more successful ones or whether it is not, in fact, better to have married and lost than never to have married at all.

Compiler Dialectic

2005-04-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Compiler: Null Field In Parameters Disallowed outside partial units.

Will: What?

Compiler: Null Field In Parameters Disallowed outside partial units.

Will: What does that mean?

Compiler: Null Field In Parameters Disallowed outside partial units.

Will: Hmmm. [picks up phone and calls Willard]

Willard: That's one of our phantom errors. Start commenting stuff out*.

[twenty minutes later]

Compiler: Null Field In Parameters Disallowed outside partial units.

Will: Dangit! Hey Marcel, could you check over my code real quick?

Marcel: Sure. What's the error message.

Will: It's a phantom error.

Marcel: Which one?

Will: Something about partial units and null fields. Hold on.

Compiler: Incomplete IF statement on line 1304.

Marcel: Well I know that error is mysterious, Will, but I'd go ahead and check out line 1304.

Will: But... but that wasn't the error I was getting a minute ago!

Marcel: Yeah, yeah...

[five minutes later]

Compiler: Null Field In Parameters Disallowed outside partial units.

Will: Dangit!

Death Notice

2005-04-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

Clancy's great-uncle passed on this week. She apparently found out via an email from her mother about the funeral arrangements (instead of an email about the death itself whenever it happened).

The notification issue reminds me a bit of Grandmother Albrecht, my mom's mom. Our family ran a little closer to the Truman family line than the Albrecht one since the Truman hub was in Hamelon, only a couple hours away, while the Albrecht clan was based back in Carolina.

At some point I realized that we stopped making trips back to Carolina and when we did, we usually only got to see my Great Aunt Susan. When I finally asked my folks about this they told me that she had died a few years prior.

It was years before I ever let them hear the end of that.

Grandfather Albrecht died before I was born and Grandmother Truman died only recently. The only other death from that era was Grandfather Truman.

Mom told Dad over breakfast that the Steins had died in a car accident. The Steins were the elderly couple that they sold the house in Carolina to when I was only four and we moved to Dixona.

Later that day my father was crying in his room. My father was never much of a cryer so I asked him what was wrong. He told me that Grandfather Truman had died. I ended up being the one to tell Mom, not realizing that Dad hadn't yet.

That day holds some of my earliest memories.

Addendum: Turns out there was a message about the death on our answering machine the whole time. She worked the overnight last night so it was my fault. Oops.

Ill-Timed Blindness

2005-04-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have a medical condition that occasionally results in very obstructed vision. When afflicted, I can't watch TV, drive, read... or work.

So it's natural that it started coming on around 12:30, because that's when I take lunch.

And it's natural that I am getting my vision back now, cause I'm about ready to clock in again.

Heaven forbid something like this happen outside my websurfing window.

RIP, Mitch Hedberg

2005-04-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Will: Hey Willard, Mitch Hedberg died!

Willard: Who?

Will: Hilarious stand-up comic.

Willard: Oh. Not familiar with him.

Will: He's really good.

Willard: Not anymore, he's dead.

Will: True. He was really good on March 30th, though, before he died.

Willard: Were you there? He might have had an off-nite.

Will: Yeah. Well he's really good on CD.

Willard: I'll take your word on that. Do you need time to grieve?

Will: I'll grieve over lunch.

Willard: Don't forget that today's the luncheon. So I'm going to have to ask you to keep your grieving during that time to a minimum.

Will: Right. I'll grieve during the 3-3:15 standardized breaktime.

Willard: Okay, but I expect to see you in an ungrieving state at your desk once the clock hits 3:16.

Will: Mitch would have wanted it that way, I'm sure.

Blogcess

2005-04-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

-{Invitation from Barry}-

1) The last time you filled up your automobile how much did you pay per gallon?

$2.179, though I never got my fractions-of-a-penny back in change, so I'm not sure how that works.

2) What was the last piece of clothing you purchased for yourself?

I took a trip back to Dixona for a spell. Unfortunately I didn't pack enough in the way of jeans, so I had to get some. I also wanted a nice-looking shirt for a meeting with an old flame, so I tracked down a shirt while I was there.

3) What was the last thing you bought at the grocery?

Mostly canned stuff. Beans, chili, etc. I'm about to have to go make an emergency trip to stock up on parmesan cheese and pesto cause I've been raiding Clancy's stash all week.

4) What did you do on the last night you went out with friends?

Had some coffee with a friend. Unfortunately I don't go out all that much (no kids, so no excuse).

5) Let’s spread some "It’s Blogcess" linky love?

I'm kind of the new kid on the block, so I don't have anyone to send this particular linkintine to except Larry, if he's interested.

An Unreligious Case Against Promiscuity

2005-04-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

Becky has an inquiring post about a niece of hers that is debating whether or not to give up her virginity sooner than planned (plan was marriage). Most of the advice seems about the same (If something is "right" then go for it, but not for the reasons she gave).

Barry of Inn of the Last Home had an interesting question in the comments section:

I'm curious as to what kind of articulation people can put on the reasons why it's a moral decision in the first place?

That is, taking out the religious tenet of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"...where does the moral question come into play to those who either aren't religious or don't follow the 10 commandments that closely?

In other words, we hear all the time that it's a moral and upright decision to wait until you're married, or at least in a stable, loving relationship and not just sleep with everyone you know.

Why?

I'm not a particularly religious person. Nor did I wait for marriage and I don't have any real regrets about not waiting. But I do think that a case can be made against premarital sex or sex outside of a serious relationship without relying on religious precepts.

It does, however, require the belief in some or all of the following:
1. When possible, it's better that children are raised with two parents instead of one.
2. When possible, it's better that a child's parents are in love or at least have an amicable relationship.
3. It's better that no one (male or female) has a child that they do not want.
4. Abortion, even if it should remain legally permissable, is not a better thing than not being in a position to want one.

Imagine a 100-barrel gun were possible. If you stick a bullet in one chamber and spin it ("Russian Roulette"), aim it at someone and pull the trigger, you are taking a 1/100 change of killing someone. Whether it kills that person or not, you've arguably committed a "sin" because you pulled the trigger knowing that there was a chance (however small) that someone would get hurt.

Now we take the chance of killing someone every time we step in to a car. But the difference between the gun and the car is that the latter is necessary (or there will be consequences if you don't go to work or the store or whatnot) while the former carries no negative consequence for not doing it.

Which brings me to sex. Every time two people have sex, they run the risk of concieving. Contraception fails even when properly applied and it's often not property applied even when the people having sex think that it is.

An unexpected pregnancy within a loving relationship can be a wonderful thing. For instance, I came a couple years after my mother said she was done. But outside the level of trust that a marriage or serious monogamous relationship can provide, unplanned pregnancies are rarely wonderful things.

If both parties agree that the baby should be put up for adoption or the fetus aborted (if you believe that abortion is not morally wrong), then it can at best be neutral. But generally speaking, things aren't usually that simple. Either he wants to keep it or she does. Women that have had abortions have not (in my second-hand observations) been able to keep a complete emotional distance (even when they still believe it was te right thing to do).

If she wants the child and he doesn't, he has to pay child support for a kid that he doesn't want and the kid grows up without a father, with a resentful father, or at least with a reluctant father. However you stack it, the kid is not going to grow up in an ideal home.

And every time two people have sex, they run the risk of this happening. It's another chamber of the 100-barrel gun. Both participants know that they're doing it. And like the gun and unlike the car, it doesn't have to be done.

So what if one party or the other is completely sterile? That's a tougher question. A solid argument could still be made that they're contributing to a culture of promiscuity that encourages fertile people (like April's niece) to question their moral judgment. There's also the matter of STDs, which may be an even better gun metaphor than unintended pregnancy.

Now having said all this, I did not practice abstinence in my younger years and I wouldn't expect it of the younger set today. However, I do think that discretion (going through as few chambers in the gun as possible), and saving yourself for someone that you have enough a degree of trust to confront the parenthood issue, is on some level a moral decision.

Looks Like An Oopsie

2005-04-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I scored a job as a receptionist at ClippityClip, a national retail barber shop slash salon. I owed that to my friend Carlos.

There was generally only one receptionist on duty, but this was the Saturday of North Tangramayne High's prom and therefore extraordinarily busy.

Those of you that have been to places like ClippityClips will understand what I'm talking about when I refer to a "head sink." It's similar to a kitchen or bathroom sink except that it has an opening for the neck so that someone can put their head in to get their hair shampooed. We also used them to clean combs.

Well I'm a little over 6'3." Without forcing any math lessons this early in the morning, I'll just say when I am cleaning combs, the neck hole is about six inches below my waste.

One day I turned on the sink a little too forcefully with a few too many combs deflecting the water straight out the neck hole and onto my slacks in a very inconvenient place. I looked down, I looked over at Carlos. Carlos looked over at me confusedly. I turned my body to face him.

He laughed so hard he literally fell down. I have never seen anyone laugh that hard in my entire life.

Today on my drive to work I spilled my Mountain Dew. I cursed myself for probably thirty cents worth of drink spilled. When I picked the can up off the floormat, I naturally picked it up upside down and poured another fifteen cents in... a very inconvenient place.

Luckily I was able to slip in before anyone noticed and subsequently fell on their ass laughing so hard.

Addendum: Every time I get up, I have to survey the area to make sure no one is going to be behind me (it appears my backside actually got the worst of it, which makes sense considering that I was sitting in Mountain Dew for ten minutes or so). Whenever this happens, I hear the "Mission Impossible" music playing in my head.

Biblical Motivation

2005-04-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting on this one any day now:

In the case of Universal Traffic Services, a Michigan trucking company, employees were badgered with taped messages and memos from the company’s president. On one tape, the president said, "this is from Colossians 3:22 and 23, where it says, 'Servants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters.' In this case, it’s our clients."

In Dixona I worked for a very fundamentalist Christian small business owner. One of my jobs was to edit his giant religious tract. It was actually interesting stuff - I swiped a copy on my last day.

HitCoffee.com Taken

2005-04-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

I set up this site on Blogspot to see if it would "take." Since I am posting more than I thought I would (I was going to "limit" myself to three posts a week) I guess you can say it took.

Hit Coffee was meant to be a temporary name. Having taken something of a liking towards it, I decided to go ahead and use it only to find out that HitCoffee.com has been taken!

I thought that I checked all of the considerations. I considered fifteen in all, only six had the .com unavailable (counting HC). Some of them that I was almost sure would be taken weren't, yet Hit Coffee, a name without much rhyme or reason, was. Naturally, there's no actual site up at that address.

So I guess I gotta take a .net or .us or go with trumwill.com.

Gosh darnit.

Justify Your Existence

2005-04-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Fraternity hazing and meat-market dating.

Those are the only two experiences more humiliating than interviewing for a new job regardless of how well or poorly the exercise is going.

So I had a job interview this morning. Thanks to my coworker Simon, who gave me the inside track.

Luckily the interview was over breakfast, so that made it feel slightly less intimidated, but the imbalance of power between interviewer and interviewee is inescapable. Every word that comes out of your mouth is a step towards or away from getting the job. Your entire existence - every departure from a previous job, every empty spot on your resume, and every lackluster position you've held - must be justified. Even when it's a job that I don't want I'm a bit nervous.

Dating comes to mind, not having to do which is by far the best part of marriage.

The interview for my current job at FalStaff is probably the best I have ever had. Most of them time was them trying to convince me that this was a job that I had wanted. It didn't take much.

This may well be the second best interview that I've ever had. It turns out that I have some of the skills that I didn't even know they wanted. Blah, blah, blah, none of this is that important. Turns out the position is a couple months away from opening.

Besides the defensiveness, the worst thing about job interviews is the dishonesty. I have to pretend to be detail-oriented, for instance. The big one this time around, though, was declining to mention that I was getting my butt out of Deseret as soon as Clancy finished her residency. The current holder of the position is leaving because of his wife. If I'd mentioned that was a possibility with mine...

Sigh.

I hate lying. Even if it's by omission.

But I guess I don't hate it as much as I like the prospect of a better job.

Meeting Notes 4

2005-04-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

Before the meeting...

Willard: Hey Will, are you okay? You're not looking good.

Will: I feel every bit how I look.

At the meeting...

Willard: The subject of today's meeting is attendance. Word from on high is that too many people are missing days and taking the paycut instead of taking vacation days. Then they take the vacation days and miss more time. You were hired under the assumption that blah blah blah costing the company money blah blah blah benefits blah blah blah if you miss too many days you could lose benefits or be lose your job. Any questions?

Geoff: There are eight people in a 16x12' area. Two of these people are sick a lot and we know it's not there fault.

Willard: I couldn't help but notice the lack of a question mark in your question.

Geoff: Sorry, my question is: Is this a general proclamation pertaining to a specific individual?

Willard: I'm not sure I understand the question. It's not specifically geared towards anyone in this room. It's something that everyone should know.

[Everyone starts looking around the room to determine who isn't present]

Geoff: Is this about Teddy Forbes?

Willard: I can't discuss specific personnel matters at this time.

Geoff: So let's say someone missed - hypothetically - eleven days this year and plans to take the ninth off?

Willard: Eighth off.

Geoff: Ah-hah!

Willard: Uhmmm... ninth is a Saturday, so I assumed you meant the eighth.

Geoff: Good cover.

Willard: Thank you.

Geoff: So anyway, so if someone did miss ten days in three months, it might apply to them?

Willard: Hold on, let me turn the projector on for my computer.

Teddy: [via IM on monitor] I'm going to be out the rest of the week.

After the meeting...

Willard: Hey Will?

Will: [cough cough] Yeah?

Willard: Remember everything I just said at the meeting about attendance?

Will: Yeah?

Willard: It doesn't apply to you right now. Go home!

Will: Thanks!

Virii Spread

2005-04-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

The strangest thing happened to me this week at work. Jarvis, who sits behind me, got sick. Really sick. Then, oddly, I came down with a MISM that had the same set of symptoms. Now, to anyone that knows anything about germs that shouldn't sound strange.

But to me it is because I can't remember the last time I "caught" anything from anyone. I have drank from the same cup, kissed, and more with sick individuals and never come down with anything!

The good news is that it didn't stick around nearly as long for me as it did for him.

But still... he came down with something... then I came down with it... how odd.

Snuffed

2005-03-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

You can meet some really interesting people smoking at airports. I'm told that Amtrak (which at least used to have smoking cabins) has the same benefit.

Of course, the last time that I lit up at an airport, it was a bad thing because it was at the beginning of a trip that I had designated "non-smoking" that became smoking starting with that light.

But that temptation will now start being a bit removed because lighters will be banned past the security checkpoints at airports. That leaves matches, which I suck at lightning, and apparently even those may be banned as well.

I don't really know how to feel about this. On one hand, I want a demonstrable threat before our lives are inconvenienced by the government. I don't mean planes have to blow up first, but I do need it explained to me what danger the lighters pose when not used in conjunction with something that isn't already banned. I remember that Richard Reid dork tried to do something with fire (matches, I believe), but I can't remember what.

But yeah, on the other hand, I don't want a plane to explode (or worse yet, run in to something again) just so that I am not a little inconvenienced.

Interestingly, with the ban in place for lighters in checked luggage, if both lighters and matches are banned from carry-ons, it could make things more than just a little inconvenient for frequent fliers. Having to buy and discard lighters and matches in every town gone through.

Okay, so we're talking about a whopping 99c for people like me that don't lose lighters with startling regularity.

Yeah, we smokers can be a petty bunch.

And, of course, part of me wonders if this isn't just another attempt to marginalize smokers. Not that there aren't security concerns, mind you, but that possible objections were dismissed because "They're just smokers and they should quit anyway."

Yeah, we smokers can be a paranoid bunch.

On a last note, Apparently Texas (the source and focus of the article) has more stringent anti-smoking regulations at airports than does Deseret. As Gazelem International Airport in the state's capital city, they have indoor smoking areas that are closed off (it's like a fishbowl!). In Houston's airports, they don't allow any smoking indoors whatsoever.

Whodathunkit?

Turnover And Out

2005-03-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

The Reports Department at FalStaff has a relatively high turnover rate. By the time I was six months in, I was already in the upper-rung of seniority.

The problem is that while our job is largely a thankless and monotonous one, it's also a rather important one. Reports that we make go to the IRS, EEOC, and government agencies of local, regional, and national levels. They are contracts dictating the terms of employment and unemployment. Small mistakes can have a pretty significant impact, even if they're just in the employee handbook. And the longer we do this, the better we become at it and the less errors occur. But then people move on and someone new takes over and makes the same mistakes all over again.

The company has been rightfully concerned about mistakes being made. Concerned enough to supply training? Well, not exactly. But honestly this really is a learn-as-you-go kind of job. Concerned enough to pay us more than $9.50 an hour? Honestly, you could pay someone $19.50 an hour, but if they have a college degree with training in XHTML, VB, C-language, and SQL (as many here, including myself, have), they're going to go absolutely nuts doing nothing but report generation day in and day out and eventually quit.

Don't get me wrong, giving us more than 4x2' desks in 4x4' cubicles with a bump in pay and a little more respect would help, but the ultimate problem of turnover would exist.

That leaves the company only a couple of options. They can keep their employees by offering them a ticket out of Reports or they can keep them there so that they have more experienced people making the docs. In the case of the former, they lose the experience. In the case of the latter, they'll still lose the experience, albeit not quite as quickly. Additionally, in the case of the latter, you lose knowledge that would be helpful in higher up positions.

It really is a catch-22. So far the company's response is to continue to hire rookies, get irate when they make rookie mistakes, and push them out the door for the next set.

I use FalStaff as an example, but it honestly applies to a lot of different employers. CMG, a contracting company that handled tech support for a large satellite company, accepted the fact that most people can only take getting yelled at by customers day in and day out before they burn out. So they pay just enough to get them in the door and automate the process as much as possible. But the same problem exists. You either take them off the phones or they'll eventually leave the phones and the company on their own accord.

Weimarcorp, another former employer, made an art of the turnover rate. Benefits kicked in at 4 months and the average turnover was 3.5. They'd overstaff the entry-level with overqualified individuals. Those that made it nine months looking at blinking lights in the middle of the night would then get moved out. But they had the process so automated that someone new could do the job in their sleep. They lost very little whenever they had to replace employees and they were able to seperate out the employees that would literally do anything for a paycheck, so it worked out extremely well for them. And it lead to boredom that would make just about any employee quit, which meant they never had to pay out benefits.

But for the most part, there are a lot of unpleasant jobs out there that you can't pay people enough to do. With that reality, unless you can automate it to the degree that Weimarcorp did, I'm not sure much of anything can be done. You have to accept a lot of mistakes and, to a degree, you have to accept a customer screaming in your ear cause a rookie made a rookie error.

Which FalStaff has. Except that they reserve the right to chew us out whenever that happens.

Which leads to a higher turnover rate.

Meeting Notes 3

2005-03-29T10:50:00.000-08:00

Six quotes from my boss Willard at our meeting today:

"We're taking too long on reports." -Willard

"We need to take the time to make the reports look good. We need to be proud of the reports that we put out." -Willard

"We're falling behind. The stack is getting bigger." -Willard

"So in addition to what we're doing already, we're going to add eight more steps to our Report process." -Willard

"Double-check, triple-check, quadruple-check the reports to make sure they're right." -Willard

"We need to get things done here at a faster pace." -Willard

Coffee Phone

2005-03-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't had this mobile phone for particularly long and I haven't come close to figuring it out. I can't find the manual and besides, as a man, I'm duty-bound not to read the directions anyway.

But the phone is kind of cute in a little way. To avoid waking Clancy up I've taken to using the moby for an alarm. It's soft enough not to disturb her but loud enough for it to wake me up. (on a side note, the alarm sound is basically a ring. Some day someone is going to call early in the morning and I'm going to hang up on them cause I think it's the alarm.)

But some days the moby puts a little coffee icon on the upper bar. I have no idea why or what it means. Except that it seems to only show up on days where it takes me longer to get myself out of bed and the phone has to go off a few times before I get moving.

The phone is giving me a suggestion, perhaps?

In the Shadow of the Temple

2005-03-27T17:11:00.000-08:00

I haven't really dug in to the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints all that much yet, though there's certainly more to come. I don't view the Church is being particularly evil or anything of that sort, but some of the resentment and frustration I do have is summed up pretty well in this article from the Washington Monthly:

Until I attended one, I didn't fully realize that [the] public schools are essentially an extension of the LDS church. All junior high and high schools in the state [...] are arranged so that there is a Mormon seminary building either right next door or across the street. Grade-school kids don't go to seminary, but they do go to "primary," a similar after-school program. Mormon students are allowed to take religious classes as part of their public education in these buildings.

There's been a great deal of litigation over this school set-up, dating as far back as the 1930s, but so long as the seminaries are on private land, there's nothing illegal about it. Allowing kids out for religious education during the school day has a pernicious effect on public-school life. So many kids leave for these classes that it automatically singles out the few non-Mormons who don't participate. For one year, I attended a public high school and frequently found myself abandoned in class along with a few Hispanic kids while everyone else trekked over to seminary.

The church stretched into public school life in other ways, too. In high school, I had Mormon bishops as teachers who never missed an opportunity to bring the church into class lectures. Prayers before every event were common and coaches often blessed athletes before sporting events. My swim team would collapse into a crisis if we were expected to compete in meets in [bordering states] on a Sunday. Many of the Mormon kids on my team honestly believed that if they swam on Sunday, the devil would create an undertow that would drown them. Graduation ceremonies were held in Mormon tabernacles, and school choirs sang Mormon religious songs.

Until fairly recently, many public schools annually celebrated "Missionary Week," when Mormon kids were supposed to come to school dressed up in the uniform of the LDS missionary---which they were all aspiring to be. Non-Mormons might as well have put big signs on their heads that read, "Convert Me."

The author accurately describes the area as "Unspeakably beautiful." Driving around today reminded me of that. Clancy is a real nature lover and it's not hard to see why she fell in love with this place (if not its people). It's also, by all accounts, an outstanding place to raise a family... if you're LDS.

When residency is up, we won't be staying in Deseret. It's not because we dislike the Mormons or even because of some of the states policies (some of which do an extraordinary job of helping folks walk the straight-and-narrow). We don't have access to a number of "public" parks because they're private parks for public use and we're not the public they have in mind. I we have kids here, they won't be able to play little league. They'll be on the team, but they won't play. Once it becomes obvious that they aren't going to convert (assuming they wouldn't), they'll also disappear from social circles. There was a "super-Christian" social circle back in Dixona, but out here it's so much more far reaching.

It's not cause they're jerks. Almost all of my coworkers are LDS to one degree or another and we get along fine. So are our landlords. But their social life is built around a club that we're not a part of. The social norms and laws are set up for believers of a faith that is not ours. This state was founded by Mormons and for Mormons. We're just tourists.

We knew that, of course, before we came here. And we're happy here. But maybe you just have to see the snowcapped mountains and green fields to understand what a tragedy it is that we've no stake to claim here personally, culturally, or religiously.

Have Another Cigarette 4

2005-03-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

The rebellion has come to an end. For those of you that have forgotten, the Smoker's revolution was borne when LeeAnn came on to the company, bringing along a helper and convincing Rosa (who had just given notice) to go ahead and just start smoking at work instead of going to her car and smoking there.

Today is Rosa's last day at FalStaff. This is unfortunate for me because she and I have been getting along extremely well in recent weeks, talking as we smoke.

I don't get along as well with LeeAnn, largely due to the language barrier. It's strange being able to talk to someone (she reads lips) who can't talk back. I can pick up some responses (nodding, smiling, etc.) and some of the more obvious signs, but that's about it.

Today she told me that she plans to quit smoking as soon as she finishes her current pack. I'm not sure whether or not it'll take, but I hope it does for a few reasons. Other than her health, I've been a bit worried that she wasn't aware the damage she may be doing to her future at this highly LDS company by being tagged a smoker.

But this company has a delightfully short memory and if she does quit they'll forget she ever smoked.

And that actually leaves me out there smoking alone again, which I think I prefer anyway.

Meeting Notes 2

2005-03-24T19:11:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrated Simon's birthday...

Marcel: Hey, does this cake have gluten in it?

Jarvis: Yeah.

Marcel: How do you know?

Jarvis: It tastes good.

---

Me: Does anyone want this piece of cake on my plate right here?

Herman: No, thanks.

Goeff: That's okay.

Marcel: Wait, is that your third piece?

Me: No. I had a piece and then half a piece of another cause whoever took it wasn't thorough.

Marcel: So you've had one-and-a-half?

Me: No, just one. The half was someone else's. They just weren't thorough. And if you're having a birthday party for a coworker and get a piece but aren't thorough by that, you forfeit the rights to the rest of the piece and whoever assumes the rest of the piece is not debited for as much taken during the transaction.

Jarvis: You've been working on legal documents a little too much lately, Will.

Me: I know.

---

Marcel: I think Simon should get a second piece cause it's his birthday.

Jarvis: Why? It's not like he chipped in or anything...

Good Love After Bad

2005-03-23T21:09:00.000-08:00

I wrote a comment on an April Fool post talking about loves past and present. Both her post and the comments are worth reading.

The subject got me thinking about one of the women I was going to spend the rest of my life with... and the one that I eventually managed.

All things considered, my ex Holly and I dated for way too long. Shortly after we got together one of her exes re-entered the picture. Things got messy when she left me for him, he left her for someone else, and I took her back. They never recovered. We rapidly found the locus of power in our relationship to be firmly on her shoulders. That made me feel powerless and her feel burdened. I was always mad and she was always aloof.

The biggest issue was that she stood me up over and over again. I eventually started keeping a spreadsheet. I can tell you with a reasonable degree of accuracy that in the last six months of the affair she showed up on time 12% of the time, 8% of the time she was within an hour, and 13% of the time she was within two hours. When she wasn't within two hours, 7% of the time she actually showed, 41% of the time she did not show up but called to let me know she wouldn't, and 52% of the time she did not show up, did not call, and most of that time (I don't have stats for this) she would avoid me for a few days.

I'm not trying to demonize her. She was going through a lot herself. My behavior was not helping a thing. On one hand it was obvious that I was completely devoted to her. On the other hand I kept telling her that I couldn't take it anymore. She said that she might start being more reliable if she wasn't so worried about making me angry. I said I might stop getting angry if she'd stop standing me up.

So why did we both stick around? Because we loved each other. To this day I believe we did.

Flash forward a couple of years and I meet my now-wife Clancy at a Christmas party. It was a long distance relationship, but we made it work. The most amazing thing wasn't how much I felt as quickly as I did - and I felt a lot, very quickly - but how easy it was. How she would come down on weekends when she said she would and she was able. How I wasn't mad at all when she had to cancel. How problems were brought up and remediated quickly.

That's not to say we never had disagreements. We still do. It's also not to say we've always been perfect to one another. We haven't. There were a couple times when we almost parted ways. The issues we dealt with were sometimes very difficult, but the relationship itself never has been.

What a lot of people don't seem to understand is that relationships are not just about whether you love someone or how much you do. It's about how you love that person. It's about what that love motivates you to do. It's about who it motivates you to be.

Within weeks of meeting Clancy, I realized that she made me want to be perfect. Or at the least as good a man as I could possibly be. From the moment I realized that to the day of our wedding day was a long, winding technicality.

Security

2005-03-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

FalStaff's new COO hasn't taken up work residence yet, but his ideas are already being seen on every entrance to the building.

I was actually taken aback by the lack of security when I first arrived. My previous two employers were borderline maniacal. But FalStaff is a small company in a town that only appears in small print on maps (if at all). Someone would have to go pretty out of their way to target us for corporate espionage.

But nonetheless they have these lame signs now on every door saying that visitors need to sign in and all convenient doors are now locked. But the biggest joke is that we got an email telling us to "alert" them to any suspicious activity or any people walking around that shouldn't be.

Given the high turnover rate, someone could probably pretend to work here for weeks before anyone had any idea that they weren't actually hired. I see a new face at least once a week. The staff of this company has grown by about 5% a month even discounting turnover.

Not that I care.

I just shudder to think what his Internet policies are going to be. Willard is going to see if we can start getting IM privileges. I think we'll be lucky to still have email privies.

Greyskull Industries 2

2005-03-22T14:29:00.000-08:00

When Greyskull Industries did their presentation on their pyramid scheme, I thought I might send out a joke email assuring them that I am not at all interested in (a) buying scented soap on a monthly basis or (b) pursuing a business opportunity that is built on convincing others to do the same.

I thought that instead of doing that I would remain gainfully employed by not alienating the company that let those pricks in.

One week and fifteen solicitations later, I wish I would have just sent out the email.

Lessons learned, lessons learned.

The Meaning of Cubicle

2005-03-21T16:07:00.000-08:00

Now that Simon has moved to QA and I have not, the cubicle by the window is now open. My boss Willard set up a competition which we would get ten minutes to explain in 1000 words or less why we are deserving of the cubicle. Honest to gawd, the following was my submission (only the names changed):

Willard,

Once upon a time, I saw a sign on the street. It said, “Office furniture and ‘cubicles’ for sale. I couldn’t help but notice that they put the word “cubicle” in quotation marks and I asked myself why they did so. Has the word ‘cubicle’ not really not entered our collective consciousness to the degree that we still need to put quotation marks around it? Is there a reason that we should doubt the terminology involved? Is this a euphemism for darker things? But what could “cubicle” be a euphemism for? The dark hole in which one spends his days? And yet I can’t help but feel that a cubicle is a cubicle is a cubicle. Not that they’re all the same mind you – I relate all of this to you in a campaign in order to achieve the High Cubicle By The Window after all – but a cubicle is generally defined as three or four walls in a desk. I’m not sure why it’s called a cubicle when it’s actually square, unless you count the third dimension, but if you’re counting height off the ground then my head is actually above the cubicle and therefore either I extend slightly beyond the size of my “cube” or I am hitting my head without realizing it.

But yet the term is strange. Am I to doubt the cubicleness of the place we work? If it is in fact a cube, aren’t height, width, and physical height supposed to be the same? I don’t have time to get out a tape measure for ours, but it might be 4x4x4’ and thus fit the definition completely. And yet other cubicles in this office do not share all three dimensions of the same size. Is there such a thing as rectangubal? I knew I should have paid more attention in geometry class instead of passing notes with my new-fangled (at the time) graphing calculator.

But by virtue of the fact that I put so much thought into things involving cubicles, and by virtue of the fact that I want it, and by virtue of the fact that Marcel is the only other full-time employee with more experience and he has conceded to my desire for the cube, and by virtue of the fact that Edgar thinks I should have it, and by virtue of the fact that I want it, and by virtue of the fact that I need the leg room (let us forget for a moment that the leg room is the same), I should get it.

Thank you for your consideration,

Will

I won.

Feminine Plastique

2005-03-21T09:34:00.000-08:00

Clancy and I live in a little basement apartment in a bedroom community just outside of town. The rent is fantastic and our landlords are great. The only problem is that the washer/dryer is located in the basement so whenever it has to be done, they come down.

It also means, as it did this weekend, when I'm revving up to do laundry, the claim can be staked by someone else. In this case it was the Cranstons' youngest daughter, Becki.

Becki is a pleasant enough person, though it's obvious from the get-go that she spends an inordinate amount of time on her appearance. So much so that she has an artificial, plastic-like appearance. She's going into cosmetology at Beck State. A good choice, most likely.

She is also something of a provocative dresser, which is not as unusual in Mormonland as one might think.

Anyhow, her clothes were sitting in the washer when I got up. I checked from driveway and didn't see her car, so I decided to go ahead and push them through so that I could get to our stuff.

Having no sisters of my own and having a wife who is not very much interested in girly attire, I've never handled girly clothes before.

Now, the word "clothing" is derived from the word cloth, but is used more generally to convey anything that we wear in order to conceal and/or to keep warm. Her wardrobe fails at both of these tasks.

There comes a point in the size of underwear that it becomes small enough to become functionally useless. Hers were about half that size. Then there were spaghetti tops and t-shirts that I swear wouldn't have fit me when I was eight. Becki is thin, but not that thin (though, gauging by the couple of bras that I handled, thinner than she might like in some areas). Part of me wonders how she fits into them. Snugly, I'd guess, and snugly by design.

Last night I had a dream. I was at the hospital looking into that room where all the babies are. My little girl was particularly beautiful. So much so that all the nurses kept telling me how beautiful she was - and not just in a polite kind of way.

The joy of my pretty little girl was replaced by sheer horror at the prospect of her teenage years, looking as pretty as Becki, just as fake, and terrifyingly with a similar wardrobe.

Email Idiocy

2005-03-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

The newhire and member of The Rebellion is a deaf girl named LeeAnn. It was actually she and her job placement specialist (came and helped her settle in) that convinced Rosa to join me out there for her last week with the company.

In any case, LeeAnn set out a company-wide email informing us that this building used to be the Mocum School for the Deaf and Blind before they closed it down and that she always wanted to go to that school and was glad to be working in the same building.

In a flash of brilliance (and amnesia, he forgot that she was deaf), my coworker Geoff decided to send a company-wide response to the effect of: "But if you're deaf and blind, it probably doesn't matter where you work!"

Mindy, the office manager living in fear of having to replace another member of the McDepartment, went into a panic. She contacted the IT guy and got the message deleted before LeeAnn got back to her computer.

Meanwhile, nearly every department sent an emissary to Geoff's desk to let him know that she was deaf and his comment could have come off very offensively. He went from shrugging it off to being worried to being quite annoyed (by the sixth or seventh person to approach him).

I guess you had to be there, but my coworkers and I were laughing our heads off. Not at LeeAnn, to be sure, but at Geoff, his dumb sense of humor, and the mess he found himself in.

Then another coworker - equally unaware of LeeAnn's impairment - sent another company-wide email making fun of another coworker by equating his mature age with senility (and senility with deafness).

And everything flew into a frenzy again.

By the time this was all finished, the lawyers crafted an Official Response, our entire email system was shut down to prevent further catastrophe.

LeeAnn, meanwhile, did in fact get both emails on her PDA. She shrugged it off, saying that she was used to it.

That's good for Geoff, good for the Legal Department... but not really a good thing.

Gator Theory

2005-03-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

There's an old joke about two men in the woods that are confronted with a gator. When the gator starts charging, one the the gents starts tying his shoes. The other fellow says "You honestly can't expect to out run a gator, can you?"

To which the first fellow says, "I don't have to outrun the gator. Just have to outrun you."

Whatever comes of the promotion opportunity, the good news is that I was a candidate. This is important because Edgar, my neighbor to the right, has been here a whole two days less than I have. While I technically have seniority over Edgar, for appearance sake it would have been better to have all four of us in there in case two of us declined (viewed strongly by management as a possibility, part of the reason they sweetened the pot). The fact that he wasn't was significant.

I've been worried about not making enough progress fast enough. I've been worried about being pulled into a meeting or, even worse, let go. Not that these worries have any merit exactly, but once I was paranoid and they really were out to get me, so I am not quick to disregard such thoughts.

But I don't have to outrun the hand of unemployment. Right now, I just have to outrun Edgar.

And so far I am!

Male Bonding

2005-03-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter what kind of guy you are. Whether you're an artist or a jock or the nerdiest of nerds.

Watching an industrial shredder take down a refrigerator, block of concrete, a washing machine, and a whole lot of other stuff is a whole lot of fun.

My department (all guys) spent our entire twenty minutes watching this beautiful thing and bonding over it.

Establishment Rule

2005-03-16T14:25:00.000-08:00

Barry of Inn of the Last Home is not too sympathetic to parents that skipped out on a meeting with school and law enforcement officials regarding the truency of their children:

But the point is that when a child has 10 or more unexcused absences, that's when inquiries need to be made and actions taken. If the child is legitimately ill, then there shouldn't be a problem getting the absences excused. If the parent or guardian neglected to follow through with explaining the absence, then it's their own fault and they have nothing to complain about.

The problem I have is that the whole attendance/truancy issue is a crock. If a kid is skipping school then the parents need to be informed, but I'm not sure the parents should have to defend themselves on this one. As long as the work is getting done, it's a family matter.

To me, the issue comes down to two things:

Money

Control

How much money a school gets from the government is based in part on attendance. Back east, the "official attendance" was taken at 11:00am. The school would honestly nod and wink at you just as long as you were there at that time. When our school made the state championship in basketball or football, they'd even say "Let's wish our boys/girls luck on the field this weekend. If anyone is going to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, we strongly suggest that they have it after lunch. That would leave plenty of time to make it to Capitol City in time for the game. Theoretically."

Okay, so they weren't quite that obvious about it, but the message came through loud and clear: be here before lunch.

When I was in junior high, I would have these coughing spells. They'd send me to the nurse right up until 11:30... then they'd send me home. Never, ever before.

The second issue, control, is also a big factor. But as far as the school is concerned, the public school system exerts a lot of control over the lives of children. And they want to keep it that way. That's one of the reasons that they've made homeschooling nearly impossible in some areas (Nevada and I think California), why they oppose vouchers, and why we have compulsory attendance and truancy laws to begin with.

I'm not one to argue that there is some conspiracy to brainwash our young. In most cases, it's lead by good intentions (though money is a factor, too). They honestly believe that they are trained professionals that ought to be given the reigns to educate the next generation. In some ways they are. But the degree of resistence to alternatives is also built around making themselves indispensable.

Theoretically, they should have no problem with kids coming in on test day and taking care of the studying parts on their own. But even outside financial reasons, the more parents do that, the less essential teachers become. Through truancy laws and compulsory attendance, they have both job security and the mandate to do what they were trained to do.

I'm not trying to knock teachers and school administrators. I am a product of the public school system and my future kids will be too. They're underpaid and underappreciated. And while they are admirable on an individual level, the establishment they collectively embody has its own agenda.

Unwanted Promotion 2

2005-03-16T08:02:00.000-08:00

There were three of us offered the promotion, but they told us that all three could take it if we wanted to and that it was not absolutely required that two of us accept.

Simon accepted almost immediately. He's building a house and needs the extra money. Marcel and I spent the whole day glaring at one another, basically each deciding that "I will be the second if you don't want to." So it was an impasse of sorts.

Today Marcel broke the impasse and has decided to go ahead and take the promotion.

So this is the best of every possible world for me.

First, I was offered the chance to go to QA. They honestly didn't have to extend to me the offer. The other two have been here twice as long as me and they could have made sure that one of them didn't want it before moving down to me. So I am honored to make that cut. It makes me feel a bit more secure in my job.

Second, with the two slots they wanted to fill now filled, I am not under any pressure to accept. With Marcel deciding to do it, I'm leaning against. But I'll mull it over for another day or so.

Simon, Marcel, and I all shared four basic concerns:

Hilton Wilde is in charge of the QA department, and none of us are quite sure about him. Since taking over QA he's made our life a lot more difficult. He's not a particularly friendly person and our current boss, Willard, is the most friendly person I have ever met.

Right now we are creating things. What do we do? We make reports! There is a sense of accomplishments. All QA does is make sure that docs that are created are correct. It's like being on the offensive line: the only time you're noticed is when you screw up.

Theoretically, with some procedural changes, our current job is poised to get a lot easier. Things will get a little easier for QA, but not nearly as much so.

This company has a short memory. Several months ago they cancelled quarterly bonuses in favor of a "performance-based system"... that hasn't been put in to place yet. That will probably never be put in to place. For good and for ill, this company has a problem following through with its plans.

Then I had a fifth one: Last week I decided that it was time to look for work elsewhere. Ironically, that was because I couldn't take the position that I was in anymore. Except that I spent most of Monday worried that I might get transferred out to a less desirable position. But the long and short of it is that if I need to miss work for a job interview, I can do it where I'm at. Under Hilton, that might be more difficult.

On the upshot:

More money.

Bigger cubicle.

A step up the ladder.

All roads out of Reports go through QA. If I don't go to QA, I'll not be going anywhere else, either (may not be an issue because by the time I were to get promoted out of QA I won't be living in Deseret anymore).

The raise being offered now may not be offered later. They might bring out the stick instead of the carrot.

As much of a Pain in the Butt as Hilton is, we've butted heads with him being active in the defense and advancement of his department. He's probably a lot better to work under than he is to work against.

So there we stand...

-{Background: Unwanted Promotion 1}-
-{Background: Working and Living Space}-

Working and Living Space

2005-03-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

So I was offered a promotion today at work. Thoughts on that to come, but I stumbled on some thoughts while cogitating the possible promotion.

One of the least pleasent aspects of my current position is the cubicle. It's 4x2' and chairs are inevitably knocked any time someone needs to pass you. It's so bad that OSHA actually had to get involved at one point (a post for another time). For a job that deals with generating paperwork, it's counterproductive.

The cubes at the position I would be moving to, on the other hand, are pretty spacious. Unnecessarily spacious, actually. I'd have room for all of my paperwork and as many pet rocks as I desire. Maybe even a pet cow. And my mouth salivates at the prospect.

I've been talking a lot to the other two candidates about the pros and cons of the transfer. We also talked about medicine, diet, and computer games. We talk a lot at work. What we're doing doesn't require our whole concentration and... we're all packed so close together.

It reminds me a little of our old apartment complex. When my wife Clancy and I first moved out west, we stayed in this little spithole of an apartment. The rent was unbelievably cheap, but we were extraordinarily cramped and our neighbors a bunch of vagabonds and druggies.

But because we were so packed in, we got to know all of our neighbors despite an extremely high turnover rate. the lack of space inside encouraged us to spend a lot of time outside. The lack of space outside meant that we were spending that outside time together. I knew more neighbors from that apartment complex than I had known from any prior. I got to know people I never would have thought to talk to otherwise.

Being tightwads, we figured that we would be able to take it as it came, but we weren't. Now we live in a basement apartment in the sleepy suburbs to our sleepy bedroom town. We've got a lot of room and unlike at the aforementioned complex, we feel safe there. At the same time, we both lament that we haven't made any friends out here.

In the past I've lamented not making friends at work. While I don't know if I'd call my current coworkers "friends," it's close enough. We talk on a daily basis. I know them all pretty well and they know me pretty well. It's enough that my introverted soul is usually happy to find the quiet solace of home once I get there.

But I move, everything changes. I'm sure I'll be on friendly enough terms with my new coworkers. But I won't have as much reason to talk to them. In fact, the only reason I'll have to talk to a lot of people (including the people I currently work with) is to tell them that they've done something wrong. But a lot of it is just that we won't be sardines in a can.

I like my space, both literal and figurative. One of the many ways that my wife and I get along is that we're both that way. But one of the reasons that we're so isolated, despite religious differences and her demanding job, is because we don't go out and seek people. As miserable as our current cubes are at work - and as rough as the old apartment was - it forced us not to isolate ourselves.

Even though we're both particularly introverted, even our extroverted society is affected. Many people start off in apartments and get houses. One of the reasons they get houses is because it gives them (and their kids) more space, both inside and outside. The larger the house, the larger the yard, the better. I guess the person that dies living in a house furthest from his nearest neighbor wins.

The same is true at work. Only pitiful underlings get the kind of cubes that we deal with. Work hard enough and you get a bigger cube, and less contact. Work harder still and you get an office with a door that you can close to the outside world.

Department Meeting Notes

2005-03-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

Willard: A lot of the interviewees are talking about when they're going to graduate.

Marcel: Why?

Willard: I think that's there way of telling us that they want a promotion of they're going to try to get a job elsewhere. I mean who wants to work in Reports with a CIS degree and a minor in business.

Me: Hey wait a minute...

Willard: What?

Me: I have a degree in CIS and a minor in business.

Simon: And do you want to be working here?

Will: Good point.

Unwanted Promotion

2005-03-15T08:40:00.000-08:00

Imagine, for a moment, three coworkers huddled around one of their cubicle.

They were just invited to a meeting. Two of them are going to get a raise and promotion. The third won't.

Imagine, for a moment, the three people each trying to come up with the best reasons they can why they should be the one to not get promoted.

I don't have to imagine it. I was one of the three people party to the discussion.

Have Another Cigarette 3

2005-03-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

The Tobacco Battle continues.

Friday night as I was leaving, I went to the usual smoking place to discover that the butt can we put out there had disappeared and that it had been emptied onto ground.

My first thought was one of concern. Was that the downstair company's way of telling is that we shouldn't be smoking down there?

But they have been nothing but nice to me down there. Most of them know me by name. Even the company's director has said "Hi" as he sees me going to my little space. And it's not aesthetic because they have cans outside their other two doors.

And if it was them, why would they leave butts everywhere?

Talking to Rosa today, we strongly suspect it was one of our more pious coworkers upstairs trying to get us in trouble.

At least I hope that it was.

-{Background}-

Office Supplies

2005-03-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

ThinkGeek is offering the famed Red Springline Stapler from Office Space.

I was at FalStaff less than a week before I got my stapler (not a Springline or even a Boston, alas). But I'm told that way back when the company refused to furnish a stapler in every cubicle. Instead they had a community stapler that we'd go to whenever we needed one. The problem is that we deal with a lot of reports. Database generated reports is actually what this department does! So in addition to getting up to use the printer every five minutes, we'd have to get up again to use the stapler (not everything in a packet we staple together comes from the printer).

Management finally caved and bought the department staplers and rulers (another product they were stingy on, despite having to measure whitespace for legal requirements in some states and counties throughout the country). And so that is marked as one of the rare occasions where the department scored some sort of victory in the office supplies battles.

But today I feel a sense of sadness. If they didn't supply us rulers I was going to go ahead and by myself one.

Now I realize I could have gotten a red springline.

About Will Truman

2005-03-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

I was born on leap-year day in 1976, making me about six years old (or 29, depending on how you look at it) at the writing of this bio. I was raised in the suburbs of Tangramayne, Dixona with my two older brothers. I decided to go in to computer work when I was in high school for reasons that escape me right now. Something about getting a good job and liking to work on computers. Neither seem true anymore.

I went to college locally at Southern Tech University, majoring in Computer Information Systems (CIS). While at STU I met Julie, the girl that single-handedly denied me the "college experience" and nigh-certain insanity. I graduated with an honors degree in 1999 and promptly found work as a "Y2K coordinator" and night operator for a computer reseller named CRI.

I lost Julie, the job at CRI, and plans to go back to school in a tortuous couple of months in 2000. By then the economy had already hit the skids and finding work proved to be much more difficult. Lacking work, finding a girlfriend proved pretty hard, too. The first problem was settled when an STU alum hired me to be the solo IT person for his small manufacturing company. I also met Hurricane Holly, who came in just as I was finding some sort of inner piece and made me feel things that I had never thought I would feel again. That included intense pain. We parted for the third and last time in late 2002. I lost the job at Wildcatter shortly thereafter.

Due to a huge local employer getting caught-up in the Enron scandals the year before, the job market in Harrington was pretty bleak. And as long as I was unemployed, so was the ladies market. It was through a mutual friend that I met Clancy Hardwick, a wayward medical student back for the holidays. We quickly partnered up and the prospect of marriage was almost immediately discussed.

To avoid moving back in with my parents, I took a job with Weimarcorp, the absolute worst employer in Dixona. When it came time for her to choose a residency program, I had little keeping me in Harrington and I decided that I was going where she was going. She was matched with a position at Beck State University in Deseret and we got hitched and hitched our wagon to move out west.

Clancy and I live in a basement apartment. She's a second-year medical resident. Since getting up here, I've worked as phone support for a satellite company and presently as a programmer - of sorts - for a company that handles administrative chores for companies too small or too cheap to handle their on HR matters.

I have two older brothers, one in Dixona and the other in Texas. Clancy and I have no offspring nor any immediate plans to generate them.

[Most recently edited on 3/21]

About This Site

2005-03-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

I've never been on time for anything in my life, so it suits that I was late for the "blogging revolution."

I can't imagine that anyone cares about my suburban white boy politics and I don't have any great new insights into how the world can be a better place. Even though it's my profession, I don't really keep up with computer technology enough to warrant a blog in that area. Linux is great, but I'll leave the advocacy to those who really know what they're talking about.

But I do about my life, so I'll post on that. Most of what I write will revolve around work. As such, I'm making pseudononymizing people and places in order to ~~avoid getting canned~~ maintain my privacy. If I wanted to write something fictional, I'd write a book for publication or at least respectability.

My wife is a pretty busy person and since I can't bitch and moan to her every day (we don't even get to see each other every day), I'll bitch and moan here. Hopefully, it'll be the entertaining sort.

Right now the site is called Hit Coffee, named after an obscure comic book character. For some reason (I make no claims of sobriety at the time) I decided that if I ever started a blog, this is what I would name it. I eventually sobered up, but when Blogger asked me what to name the site, since I hadn't decided I opted to take a name I knew no one else would want so that when I picked the real name, I wouldn't have rent staked out where someone else wanted to be.

Disclaimer

2005-03-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

The opinions expressed on this site do not represent those of my employer, family, friends, coworkers, or even myself.

Names have been changed to cover my butt.

Places and other entities have been pseudononymized to kick a little more dirt over my tracks. Some connections are pretty easy to make, others are not.

But if I wanted to write fiction, I'd write a book or something. This is about as true as I can make it while maintaining some sort of privacy and being entertaining.

I'm sure there's more that I'm missing here, so I'll update it periodically.

Payday

2005-03-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

FalStaff is not good about getting our checks to us in a timely manner. They decline to do direct deposit so that they collect the interest of that extra week lag-time between the end of a pay week and paycheck day. They've also taken to moving the time we get the checks further and further back because Dudley Fallon (the company's president's father and moneyman behind the operation) is too pusy to sign his name 150 times.

This honestly doesn't bother me much. I don't live hand-to-mouth so I'm one of the few people not stalling lunch so that I can cash my check over it. (There's actually more to this story, but it'll wait for another time.)

But rather than admit that the Mr. Fallon has better things to do than make sure we're paid in a timely manner, they've announced today that they're no longer issuing checks prior to 5pm "to make sure employees don't leave early."

If employees leaving early is a problem, it needs to be addressed. I haven't noticed it (in fact, few leave before 5:30). If management goofed and just didn't have time to sign it all, then tell us and life will move on.

But it's more than a little agitating to cover for for management by treating us like a bunch of children with a little carrot to get us to do what we are supposed to do anyway and, to the best of my knowledge, have been doing.

It makes me want to leave before 5pm and get my check Monday just to be petty.

Monster.com Day 2

2005-03-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

Nothing cures a Monster.com Day like an atrocious job climate.

Even though I still call them Monster.com Days, Monster doesn't actually have much of a presence here. Most of the jobseeking is done through the the state's employment agency and the newspaper. Between the two I found one job that I was even remotely qualified for that might be slightly better than my current one.

Instead, I applied to be a vice-president of a bank in Toledo.

I wait with baited breath to hear back.

Monster.com Day

2005-03-10T16:51:00.000-08:00

The Monster.com Days started a few jobs back when I was working for a manufacturing company called Wildcatter. The Wildcatter job was probably my best, but since I was the sole IT person and what we did month to month depended on whatever contract the company got it was very erratic and stressful at times. On top of this, my boss, while a good man, was an ~~utter crackpot~~ eccentric inventor that was not very skilled in the area of interpersonal communication.

No matter how good a job, there are days that are insufferable. On really tough days I would get so angry that I would spend the whole drive home figuring out how I was going to brush up my resume and log on to the day's namesake, Monster.com, and look for work.

I would usually be a little cooled down by the time I got home, but I'd made the promise to myself 50,000 on the drive home. So I'd log on to Monster, send out my resume to the jobs that I was least likely to get, declare victory, then go to bed.

Today was a Monster.com Day.

The Black Guy

2005-03-10T07:12:00.001-08:00

FalStaff is approximately 96% white. There are a handful of people of indeterminable ethnic origin (some combination of Hispanic, white, and Amerindian). There is, as of a month or so ago when he was hired, one black employee.

While racism could theoretically be involved, I seriously doubt that it is. The area itself is that white. Coming from the south, this is an adjustment for me.

Since the black guy signed on, I can't help but ask myself the question: Why is he here?

Not at FalStaff, but in non-urban Deseret. They may face more racism in the south, but they have some strength in numbers there. Pick any urban area and you can see why they might feel at home there.

It's not often a white boy can talk about being a minority, but not being a member of The Brethren gives me at least some claim to that. My experiences tell me that being surrounded by people that are almost universally not like you can be enriching, but after a while gets frustrating.

Even if they're well intentioned, I don't put much faith in people to look past my religion. I certainly wouldn't put faith in them looking past my skin color. Especially when it isn't necessary. What does Deseret offer that California or Texas or even Georgia doesn't?

But I guess the answer came during the company meeting yesterday. His face lit up when he saw another employee (from a regional sales staff, so rarely here).

Turns out they lived near each other at BYU.

So that answers that.

Company Time

2005-03-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I think someone, somewhere at this company punched some numbers and determined that the 2-3 paid hours we were taking for our monthly business meetings were costing the company a great deal of money. So today they were quick to usher us back to our workstations.

Bummer.

The Families Business

2005-03-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

Dave Fallon, the younger brother of Don Fallon, the company's president, announced his resignation as COO. Between the Fallon brothers and Dudley Fallon, their father and part owner, it's largely been a family business. So Dave is out and was replaced by Gary Hansen. That now makes three people from the Hansen family in CxO positions (CIO, CTO, and now COO), making it a families business now.

Greyskull Industries

2005-03-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

Across the street from FalStaff is Greyskull Industries. I'll write more about Greyskull at some later date, but the pseudonym should give you an idea of what I think of them. But Greyskull is one of the bigwigs of this town and so it was a surprise to see him make the announcement of the younger Fallon's resignation.

But then we found out why. Greyskull is starting another venture. You pay $10 a month for scented soap. It's more than you would otherwise pay, but the trick is that if you convince someone else to pay $10 a month in soap, you get $2 of that. Convince six people to and you're turning a profit. Then, if they convince someone else to, you get $.50 of each of theirs. So if all six convince six more, you're getting an additional $18.

From what I understand, prosecutors call this sort of thing a pyramid scheme. <wiseass> The federal government, though, calls it "Social Security."</wiseass>

I Want My Money Back

2005-03-08T13:10:00.001-08:00

One of the perks this company offers is a free soda fountain downstairs. Bad for the beltline but good for the pocketbook.

It's been broken for two days now.

I had to go out and actually buy a drink.

By the time I got back, of course, the machine was working again.

I want to send the company an invoice...

McJobs at FalStaff

2005-03-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

The Processing Center is apparently one of the least desirable places (the second least, in my estimation) to work for FalStaff. Incoincidentally, it's also the area they have the most trouble recruiting and keeping staff. It's mostly staffed by high school kids. The president of the company has actually referred to it as "The McDonald's of FalStaff."

Their most recent hire is deaf (which is why she has the employment person I've referred to with her, helping her get situated). At the rate their going, I suspect they will make a lot of use out of the hiring agency they got her from, which specializes in the placement of the disabled.

I was talking to aforementioned Processing Center Girl, now called Rosa. Apparently, the newest employee passed a note today asking when raises were.

There are no raises here. Particularly in that department (and only barely in ours).

I get the feeling the new employee is pretty disappointed since they probably promised her periodic reviews and raises.

They always promise that. Yet honestly speaking, the only time I've ever gotten a raise is when I got my college degree. Beyond that, no matter how grand the promises, there's never been a raise. I think employers figure that if you're willing to start at a particular wage, it's impolite to ask for more, regardless of the promises made. Most supervisors get really evasive when the topic comes up.

I've pretty much stopped asking.

But before long, Rosa is going to be out of here and the Processing Center is going to be short staffed again.

And management is going to be wondering why they have trouble keeping personnel.

Rule Number Six

2005-03-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

How much better life in the corporate world would be if Rule Number Six were followed:

Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts in shouting and stamping and banging his fist on the desk. The resident prime minister admonishes him. "Peter," he says, "kindly remember rule number 6," whereupon Peter is instantly restored to complete calm, apologizes, and withdraws.

The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet again twenty minutes later by a hysterical woman gesticulating wildly, her hair flying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: "Marie, please remember rule number 6." Complete calm descends once more, and she too withdraws with a bow and an apology.

When the scene is repeated a third time, the visiting prime minister addresses his colleague: "My dear friend, I've seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Would you be willing to share with me the secret of rule number 6?"

"Very simple," replies the resident prime minister. "Rule number 6 is 'Don't take yourself so g--damn seriously.'"

"Ah," says his visitor, "that is a fine rule." After a moment of pondering, he inquires, "And what, may I ask, are the other rules?"

"There aren't any."

Of course, how much less work would we get done?

Have Another Cigarette 2

2005-03-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

The revolution has suffered a setback.

I was wondering why Processing Center Girl was suddenly willing to brave smoking in view of coworkers and management.

Today I got my answer.

In an office-wide email, her impending resignation was announced. Suddenly it made a lot more sense. If you're not planning to stay anyhow, there's really no reason to worry about it. That's my main rationale.

So the revolution continues, soon to be two and counting...

Taking Work Home

2005-03-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

For a little while longer, they have us using a freeware HTML application at work. It can't read what we do, but unlike notepad it's got pretty colors. It's actually a pretty good program. While I generally use Crimson Editor at home, the newest version is either totally madwack or doesn't work on my computer. So I went to download.com and got the editor I use at work.

It's really a solid program, but there is something aesthetically wrong with it: The inescapable feeling that if my monitor was 4" smaller and I was in a 4'x2' cubicle, I'd be at work.

Weekends solely exist so that I don't feel like I'm at work.

Have Another Cigarette

2005-03-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

Blind to the wind, the news and the culture
Deaf to the sound that leaks from your voice
Take a deep breath and pray for a second one
Have another cigarette
-Splender, "Have Another Cigarette"

Since moving to "Deseret", I've become more acquainted with Mormon culture than I ever thought I might. As most people know - and I already knew - they're not big into the whole "smoking" thing. I, unfortunately, am.

My only other employer in the area was an international company with a more-or-less secular outlook. Most of the other employers in the area, however, are run by members of the Brethren and tend to legislate approach smoking along those lines (to the extent that the state hasn't already, which isn't much).

The long and short of it is that they strongly discourage smoking. While they don't go as far as to ban smokers from working there (as a former employer out east in "Dixona" did), it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that my vice would not go over well.

In an office with 150 employees or so, I am the only one you'll ever see smoking. Periodically an irritating coworker named Paige would join me, but for the most part I've been out there alone or with the company that occupies the floor below us.

On one occasion, I was hanging out in the breakroom eating lunch when someone in the Processing department - whom I'd never spoken to - came up to me and expressed admiration for my "bravery." She isn't the only one that has said as much to me. Apparently I wasn't the only smoker. Just the only one that wasn't worried about losing my job.

Since the outside of the building is operated by the company downstairs, there isn't anything they can do about my smoking down there, so I can't be fired. It has, however, become clear that I do not have a future with this company because of my personal vice. First, it makes the fact that I am not LDS abundantly clear (which matters out here) , but mostly it's that I'm not only a heretic but a sinner.

But today, for the first time, the Process center employee joined me. Not only her, but a new employee, and someone from the employment agency that placed the new employee here were out there as well.

On one hand, it's inconvenient. I smoke in part for solitude (which, like that Nicorette commercial, is ironic because I used to do it to meet people). But now that there are more than a couple of us out there I'm a bit worried that the company is going to find a way to crack down or that the company downstairs will get worried about liability or somesuch and they'll cut me off.

But that's okay. The way I see it I'm leading a private rebellion.

Three and counting...

Daddy Union

2005-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

I called up the folks last night to talk about this and that. I got a lot of friendly flack from Dad about getting the oil changed on my car and taking care of an ongoing problem with my bank.

Once a father always a father I suppose. What's funny to only me is that "flack" usually falls on Mom's shoulders.

Dad sent me a follow-up email on one of the tax issues that he and I discussed. He opened it with the following paragraph:

We enjoyed talking with you last night. We appreciate your calling and checking in. Sorry if I sounded like I was getting on your case about
things, but they would throw me out of the Daddy's Union if I didn't
ride you about something.

Daddy Union membership has its benefits.

The Baby Bug

2005-03-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

So what was happening 5-10 months ago?

Conceptions. A handful around the office. You can tell a lot about a person by what they name their child. I was named for relatives, which is probably the most neutral. And it's more difficult to go wrong that way.

But most of the names around here either come from religious texts or some grasping for some sense of uniqueness or just a "Gosh that sounds pretty."

Yesterday Cadence Martin was brought into this world and an email to that affect went around the office. Given what I know of her mother, the name "Cadence" - even for a boy - surprises me not a wit. I'm surprised it's not something Super Unique like Gaedwyn or something.

But just as common are religious names. I wasn't surprised when one particular coworker has named her (existing - at twenty-six, she's got some breedin' years left and so there are more to come) flock Isaiah, Moses, Sariah*, and Alma*. I am not only unsurprised by the religious nature of the names, but the degree of religiosity, whether it's Paul and Jacob or Nephi* and Helaman*.

The more of my peers I see having children, the greater tragedy I see in someone's first identifying characteristic being made my someone who won't be saddled with it for the rest of their life and made (at least partly) with the purpose of self-expression. Of course the kids won't see it until their generation names next.

They'll do as I did and assume that everyone ought to be named Jason or Jennifer. Except that it'll be Kaden and Madison.

Part of me wants to make predictions and go around and ask the mothers-to-be what they are going to name their kids. Not sure I want them to think I really care, though.

* - Prominant figures in the Book of Mormon, which is a big deal 'round these parts.

Dangerous Office Supplies

2005-03-02T15:29:00.000-08:00

Everyday office supplies I've discovered that you can hurt yourself with:

Pencil

Stapler

Ruler

Tack

Scissors

Staple remover

Staple remover

Staple remover

Staple remover

Staple remover

Staple remover

Staple remover

Staple remover

No Birthday

2005-03-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

No birthday this year.

But in three short years, by my calculation I'll be seven years old.

Best Power Outage Ever

2005-03-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

We had a power outage today.

I was test-printing a series of documents. Ordinarily I run through the whole list before walking a grueling twenty feet to the printer, but since the power was out I decided to go ahead and collect what had already been printed. Upon reviewing my printouts, it became apparent that I was printing the wrong page. Therefore the power outage saved me time.

My computer has an odd bug on it. For some reason, nothing I download to the Desktop actually goes onto the Desktop. It goes in that folder but is nowhere to be seen. Since I can still access it through Explore, it's no big deal. Kinda annoying. Upon rebooting the computer, the wayward icons flooded by desktop. Therefore the power outage fixed my computer.

My cubicle neighbor Charlie had been working on a document for over an hour. He hadn't saved it. Upon rebooting the computer, it became apparent that he had lost all of that work. Therefore Charlie says if I mention again how this has been the "Best Power Outage Ever" he is going to "kick [my] fat ass."

Inattention to Detail

2005-02-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

When FalStaff advertised for the position that I currently hold, it read like most ads do. They wanted you to have this skill and that. As it turned out, I had the exact skills that they required. I was the perfect candidate (for a job that doesn't exist, but that's another story). I only lacked one bullet:

Must be detail-oriented.

It seems that every employer - particularly in the IT sector - wants someone detail-oriented.

But the great thing about a soft skill like that is that you can fake your way through it. As long as you don't walk in saying "Sorry I'm late for the interview, I couldn't remember whether you said it was on 23rd street or 19th" or somesuch.

My detail-oriented facade lasted less than half a day.

I was down in the breakroom trying to get some food from the vending machine. There was a sign that said "Press button thoroughly."

I wanted item #11 and so I pressed 1 and 1. Nothing. I pressed it again and got nothing again.

Both trying to figure out how exactly to get the machine to work and also make conversation with one of my new coworkers, I asked mousy coworker how this "durned" machine worked.

I guess I can have a bombastic demeanor cause when I mumbled and grumbled about it, she thought I was genuinely upset and I scared her. Mouse scurried her way as far away from me as possible.

I slinked off to a chair and tried to figure out how to improve my interpersonal skills and, while I was at it, dealing-with-coin-operated-machinery ones.

When she could see that I wasn't going to bother her anymore, she went to the machine, put her money in, and hit the #11 button.

My first day on the job and somehow I had missed the fact that the buttons went from 1-20.

How's that for detail-oriented?

Spellcheck Pitty

2005-02-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

Spell-check: Woah there, buddy, this thing says "addendums".

Me: I know.

SC: That's not right...

Me: I know. Ignore.

SC: It says "addendums" here, too.

Me: I can't deviate from the original. Even when the original is wrong. Ignore.

SC: You must mean addenda or maybe addendum's?

Me: No, it says addendums.

SC: But it's wrong.

Me: I know.

SC: Fix it. Agendums?

Me: No. Addendums.

SC: What's wrong with you?

Me: They are paying the company to pay me to make our employment contracts match the original. The original says "addendums."

SC: You're not even allowed to fix what you and any semi-literate individual knows?

Me: Nope.

SC: Sounds like your job would be a lot easier without a brain.

Me: Sometimes.

SC: Being a lowly spellcheck, I never thought I would ever say this, but I feel sorry for you.

Me: Your sympathy is greatly appreciated.

SC: How about addends?

Me: Ignore All.

SC: What in tarnation is a "Emploeye"?

Me: Something we can correct.

SC: Thank goodness...